Today’s blog feels a little bit personal. I've really been enjoying the systems that I’ve set up. Today has continued yesterday’s success. Although tonight, I am not staying at home after dinner and working on the computer, I am going to see Jesse. I am really feeling introspective about past relationships. [Redacted] being in my dreams has really been interesting. I haven’t had many thoughts about [redacted]. The conversation that we last had was intense, and I’m not sure that I was ready for it, but it did do what I thought, or hoped, that it would do - provide closure. So now my brain has closed that up a little bit.
I was supposed to have dinner plans with church boy [redacted], but I did cancel. Thinking about him and canceling those plans really got me thinking about good boy versus bad boy persona. I texted him canceling, and he did not text back for a while, so I thought it would be pretty negative, but on the opposite, it was actually super endearing and very sweet.
Overall, all of these things just had me thinking about what different people have taught me. I’m like a hummingbird, taking the best part of the flower to the next spot. And I often times think about what each person inspires me for.
Another thing that has been on my mind has been coming out. Jesse and I talked a lot about coming of age literature in the gay canon. That got me thinking. And then tonight I told my mom that we were going to have to deal with telling dad and Maw about there being a friend in Sumter. Because telling them that I was going to see Tristan in Columbia just didn’t make sense anymore. It was so interesting for me because I thought that Justin would be the reason that approach identity with dad and Maw, but having this local situation actually puts it a lot closer to home, metaphorically and literally.
This is such a personal entry, and I was really thinking about what I would share about my work. The thing that I would share is that I am preparing for my conversation with Savannah on Thursday. I need to do more structured thinking about what I would like to talk to her about. I am still tool hopping, and know that is natural for this stage of the process. I tried to work on my coding research this morning, but it was a good test run in the sense that I realized the small block of morning chunk is more for my personal processing, rather than the project. I think that I will really find my stride with the project research in the evening hours.
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