Tonight it would be hard to dissect the personal from the professional. I'd say I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis - at least it feels that way. Today was a strenuous day with Maw. We had her geriatric appointment this morning, followed by a trip to Walmart, and more Christmas decor work - not too hard you might assume, rightfully so, but as I told my mom, "it's not easy being me." The exhaustion of doing Christmas decor for hours every single day has started to take a toll on my psyche. That alongside the weight of experiencing her aging has piled onto my psyche.
In reflecting today, I told Johanna, "I’m not really sure the direction of the wind right now. I’ve been reflecting on the yin/yang - the masculine/feminine; like the masculine bullish-ness to push and “win” and accomplish something vs. the soft feminine caretaker reflective side that’s comfortable and just says take a pause and rest." Asher says that I can have both, naturally. I tried talking to my mom about how I was feeling lost and that turned from serious into a a full out comedy skit. I laughed so hard I heaved. I have not laughed that hard since I smoked. At one point, I said "it's not easy being me," and she played her little violin. She said that I "have it too easy." To which, I do agree. To which, I do enjoy.
I did reflect that I do want to do something that helps people. I wonder what that could be. Mom said that I should volunteer at the hospital. We laughed out loud about doing it in radiology for Chris. LOL. I am glad that she heard me out in the beginning, and while the laughing was good, I do hope she knows that I am trying my best. She does. But she was like "I want you to dig deep. To be successful." I have realized, and especially in that moment that a lot of my pressure to be the "Best Little Boy in the World" comes from her. That is something to dig deep on.
Ivan reached out wanting to chat about how to get the app to "the finish line." I don't really know what that means. I was so tied up today with Maw that I asked him if we could chat tomorrow. I am glad that conversation will happen before I chat with Savannah on Wednesday. I am curious to hear his thoughts and how he navigates the conversation.
I have been enamored by the South Carolina sunsets. Especially with the power lines. It takes me right into a Hopper painting.
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