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I've been thinking and thinking and thinking - with still no answers popping up from the exhaustion to offer any relief. Having left one home in Upstate, NY to make my way to my childhood home in South Carolina this past week has stirred the transition reflections to my derailment.
I've been thinking the most about what "to do." I'm not employed. My single priority and job is to care for my grandmother. I work on a project that I question if I care about anymore. I blame myself for yet another project looming it's burial service in project graveyard - my ADHD nightmare. I am stuck between taking things slow and allowing myself time and space while also holding myself accountable to some sort of ritual, routine, or rote. Going on a date last night with a doctor from here in Sumter brought up interesting things about my quest for success and structure. He led me to the book, "The Best Little Boy in the World," by Andrew Tobias. Just the title strikes a chord. That will arrive on Wednesday, thank you Amazon Prime.
I've told my mom and I've told my friends and usually talking it through shines a light, but it's not working this time. I'm consuming content like podcasts, audiobooks, and printed books - no Instagram or TikTok because I cut those out in an attempt to find some kind of clarity - with nothing turning up something to ease the aching pain of right now.
Although, one book, "Show Your Work," by Austin Kleon, is a bit of a north star right now. I had known of the book and its premise before, but a bible becomes more than a book when you're looking to it to save you. I used to get caught up in the "content creation" part of it all, but I know that right now it's about showing my work - the frustrating, no future, unconnected, stupid, naive, distracted, no money, kind of stuff. Writing has been a really big theme that has been coming up for me. I am hesitant to say that I am committing right now to a daily blog writing or something... another empty promise. The idea is and always will be interesting.
To round out the week I am going to do some quick writing in response to Dan Koe's weekly reflection questions:
What went well last week? Going to the gym. Getting right back into CrossFit went well. Gabbi, Stephanie, and Trevor were friendly faces to see in the gym. I most enjoyed my first workout back. It was with Trevor and we did box step ups into dumbbell push presses on the bench.
What didn't go well? My system for getting in blocks of focused time in didn't work well. I was very social and the time that I wanted for my introversion was given to Tristan and Jesse. The time with Jesse was great though. (See video of the day/week.) I've talked at length with mom about how to get this time reclaimed.
What am I grateful for? I am grateful for Maw having the spunk to put up her Christmas decor (crap), despite how frustrating it is to do. I am grateful that mom took the first three days off of work to spend time together. I am grateful for the fun that I got to experience with Jesse. I am grateful for the gym.
What are my focus projects? My focus projects this past week really have been about making the transition. This upcoming week they are going to be about continuing to make the transition as well as focusing on the app and doing more "sharing."
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